The Napoleon Dynamite Principle

Musically, I have become my parents. 

I say that because most of today's stuff I either don't get or I find it pretty darned worthless.  I'm sure my folks said the same thing about my music when I was a kid.  Still, I find that I often I cut myself off around the mid-90's, with a few exceptions that stem from the time I spent working at a night club (I have an unhealthy affinity for electronica).  Music has changed greatly over the years, and listening to it has changed as well. 

...thank heavens for Pandora and Slacker Radio. 

BUT - I also drive an old car.  By old, I mean it has a tape deck.  Remember those?  If you don't then you're too young to be reading this.  Go listen to Lady Gaga or something.....

My old car has no CD player.  My old car does not have satellite radio.  My old car has FM & AM radio and a tape deck.  I even have a tape that I'll play from time to time.  It's one of my old mix tapes.  Remember those?  Remember sitting in front of a boom box and actually taping stuff directly from the radio?  If you cannot remember doing this or don't know the definition of the word "boom box" then go back to listening to Enrique Iglesias.  Let me know when you figure out who Egyptian Lover is and we'll talk.

Remember these?  If you were "high class" back in the day, you had 2 tape decks and you could make copies of your mix tapes! 

(speaking of Enrique...I remember that his dad sang a lot of sexually oriented songs too....but he did it tastefully...)

 Getting back....because I own an old car, I listen to a lot of radio when traveling around in it (since you can only listen to the same mix tape over and over again so many times before the tape wears out.....they do that, y'know). Correction: I change stations a lot.  First and foremost, I don't like talk radio.  Many friends have suggested it to me as an alternative.  I like my radio the same way I like my movies.  I want to be entertained.  If I want something thought-provoking I'll read a book.  I can't stand political discussions on the radio and I get enough DIY at home. 

Second, most of the music sucks.

I pretty much resigned myself to "old folks music" when I decided to refuse to accept Lil Wayne's "talents".  I know I'll catch a lot of heat for that cause the dude is wildly popular; but I really don't get it.   Yes, I listen to rap.  I'm black....it comes with the territory....but please give me some Run DMC, or Eric B. & Rakim.  If you don't know who Rakim is, and you call yourself a fan a rap, then shame on you .  Shame, shame.... Stop reading my blog. To me, Lil Wayne is about a step above Master P....na na, na na......

If you know who these guys are then we need to be friends.

(ugh...)

I'm not going to go on bashing everyone that doesn't fit into my continually narrowing taste in music; but I will instead get back to the title of this post.  Have you ever seen the movie "Napoleon Dynamite"?  If you haven't, go sit through it just to get to the end scene when the title character is on stage during a high school function.  If you have seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about, cause it's terribly funny to watch.  If I'm listening to one of these new songs (which all sound the same to me anyway) and I can close my eyes and see Napoleon Dynamite dancing to that song the way he did in that scene, then rest assured, I probably won't like the song.

Can he dance to it?  Turn it off!!

Try it and you'll find it applies to about 90% of the songs on popular radio.

...and this is why I listen to Led Zepplin and Parliament......because of the Napoleon Dynamite Principle.

A Quick Suggestion Regarding Supplements

I take vitamins.  I fancy myself to be athletic.  Here's a quick tip for you supplement-munching neophytes:

If you're going to take a fish oil gel tab and "dry swallow" it (which, I know is a bad habit, but I do it anyway), be sure you toss that puppy to the back of your throat.  If you didn't know, "dry swallowing" a tablet is doing so without the benefit of chasing it with a liquid.  I neglected to do that this morning....and saliva dissolves those gel tabs fast.  ...I feel like I just swallowed a dead fish......

This is what fish oil tabs actually taste like.

....and in the news today......

Oh my....so many things to talk about...I really can't rest on just one subject.

First of all, I was watching HLN this morning (part of my ritual with that first cup of coffee) and Robin Meade was talking about recent changes to the lingo in the Bible.  Amongst the changes is the rewording of the word "booty"; which, if you're a pirate, means all the treasure you get from robbing someone or the "spoils of war".  Reason for this?  It's because English is an ever-changing "living language".  Never mind that many of today's kids can't tell the difference between booty, bootie & booTAY. 

Know the difference, folks....

....and then there's Charlie Sheen; who is evidently well on his way to trumping Lindsey Lohan's crown of "hotmessedness".  I think I'm getting on my wife's nerves by running around the house ranting about being on a drug called "Charlie Sheen"; but it entertains me.  I'll stop short there because the whole thing is becoming a cliche (since everyone wants to weigh in on it). Personally though, I think his next job will be as Gaddafi's PR man.  

Hot Mess?  I think Charlie Sheen just changed the definition of the word. Lindsey who? 

 

Finally, there was a story in the local news yesterday about a Houston police officer that was on a cooking team for the Houston Rodeo BBQ cook off that actually threw a tear gas bomb into the tent of the competition.  Welcome to Texas, folks.  We take our barbecue cook offs THAT seriously.....

...and the secret ingredient is......

Taco Bell is the Least of Our Worries....

I've been following this whole lawsuit story involving Taco Bell.  For those of you who aren't in the know, some firm has brought suit against the fast food chain because they allege that the beef content is less than the USDA allowable amount.  According to USDA standards, a meat product has to be 40% beef in order to be called that.

Waitaminit......


Just 40%?  Does this strike anyone else as gross?  I mean, is there something wrong with wanting my beef to be 100% cow?  My apologies to all my vegetarian & vegan friends.....but I like my meat.

Beef, it's what's for dinner!  But you only need 40%?  Gross....

I started thinking about this topic; and I began to wonder what would happen if we let our standards slip on other things like this.  What if we only worked 40% of the week?  That means you only have to go to work Monday & Tuesday.  Hey, if 40% is acceptable by government standards, then the possibilities are endless.  If we were only required to go to 40% of college then after 1.5 years, you're done.  Howabout if I only pay 40% of my taxes?

....well, nevermind on that last one.  I don't know who's reading this and I don't feel like being Wesley Snipes' cellmate.



So, supposedly, Taco Bell food is even lower that the "standard".  Granted, their brand of fast food rarely enters into my diet; and I have largely deemed it "desperation food".  Indeed, Taco Bell ranks right up there with Waffle House after an all-nighter with your college buds.  Those days are long past for me.....and nothing beats the aftertaste of a Mexican Pizza and Natural Light on the morning after.

When I was a kid, 40% on a test meant "hang your head in shame". Did I miss the memo when this changed?

Anyway, 40% beef.  Eww.  Really, USDA? Is something closer to 100% too much to ask?  This makes me want to move down the street from Ted Nugent and invite myself over for dinner every night.  Taco Bell is being asked to change their ingredient name to "meat filling" because evidently 40% beef is something to be proud of.

If I recall, 40% on a test when I was in school means "you failed miserably".  I think Taco Bell ain't the only ones that missed a passing grade here.

As If I Didn't Have Enough Reason to Eat Healthy......

Sometimes, when I'm running a little dry on material, I'll scan TMZ.com for stories to joke about.  Not since the National Enquirer has any one place been so full of hot mess that it'll make your head explode.  I actually have to ration it out or it'll overwhelm me.

Of particular note is a story about our famous All-American Original, Flavor Flav.  Evidently, he's starting a fried chicken joint.

Really, Flav?  A chicken joint?

Yeah, this face makes me want to eat fried chicken.....talk in permanent slang,  get a grill, go on welfare....

Y'know, I'm strangely reminded of the fact that comedian Eddie Griffin made fun of this kind of phenomenon in the movie Undercover Brother.  Flav, I want to let you know how much I appreciate you resurrecting just about every Black stereotype to come out of the 70's.  I felt my afro growing just watching the commercial.


...and in Clinton, Iowa?  Really?  There are Black folks there?  I'm just saying.......
I remember going to Mankato, Minnesota once and I was practically an event.  Little kids wanted to touch me to see if I was real.

Anyway, best of luck to you, Flav.  Your efforts to revive blaxploitation in edible form will go down in history, I'm sure.  Please remember to put watermelon on the desert menu.

....and in the news today.....

There was a story this morning about a house fire here in Houston that led firefighters to find a marijuana farm.
I hear that it took them all night to put it out....cause they kept going into the house one at a time and running out laughing.

That had to be one hell of a joint.....

The entire unit that went out to this emergency is off today.  They're all at IHOP. 

The actual story is here: http://www.khou.com/news/local/Strange-smells-from-house-fire-lead-authorities-to-103-marijuana-plants--114120324.html

And Now....A Word from our Sponsor......

Y'know, as much fun as it can be to partially chronicle our lives on Facebook, Twitter and through blogs, they are, quite largely, diversions (for those of us not getting paid for it).  At some point you have to step away from the computer, put down the cell phone & get out there and live life.

Come back with a story, be it humorous, touching, or challenging.  Someone out there stands to learn from it.  If I spent ALL my time in front of the computer, I'd never have anything funny to say.  It's easy to get lost in the virtual world, folks....buy we're not virtual people.

Now get out there, enjoy your life, find a challenge, and come back and tell me a joke about it.

Next post will be a funny one....I promise.  ;-)