They Go Together Like......

I'm listening to Prince and Michael Jackson on Spotify right now.  Was just thinking that while both artists are masters of their respective genres of music, listening to them both at the same time is kind of like having glasses of orange juice and milk on the table at the same time.

If you pick up one thinking it's the other, it's gonna taste real funny.

Truth...Stranger than Fiction.....

True story (heard here at work):

"We'll need you to fill out this insurance info in order to take advantage of the company health insurance".

"I don't need it.  I've already got insurance from my old employer".

"....but you don't work for them anymore.  You think they're going to keep covering you?"

<uncomfortable silence>

...at this point I leave the room, cause I'm not part of the conversation, cause I'm gonna start laughing.....I didn't hear how that one ended.

It's All How You Look at Things......

There's a very inspirational note floating around facebook that uses this pic as an illustration.
I still just see an ass-hole.

That old thing?!

At the request of a friend, I'm resurrecting this story. I still get asked about this periodically. 

Date: 4/27/06

This is actually the story that sort of secured my spot in the annals of Internet lore.
(if there is such a  thing)
Since this incident, I actually have met a lovely lady and she and I have been dating for two months at the time of this post. 
Still, I like to look back on my recount of that fateful night and laugh.
Enjoy.  This one has a spew alert attached if you've never read it before.


Tales From the (Internet) Crypt
There are some scary things in this world. There are things that we weren’t meant to know about and things that we weren’t meant to explore. I’m not talking about ghosts and the supernatural. I’m not talking about UFO’s and unexplained astral events. The subject that I speak of is much, much worse. I’m talking about Internet dating.

Now I was recently thrust back into the singles’ scene thanks to a now ex-girlfriend that decided we were better off as friends about 6 months ago. Reluctantly, and to satisfy my sometimes morbid curiosity, I started perusing the singles’ ads connected to a popular Internet search engine. At age 33, I think I’m a little old to be hanging out in bars looking to pick up women. I figured the whole personals thing would be a relatively safe route…since I can kinda pick someone that I think matches my personality and outlook on life. So, just for kicks and giggles, I paid my $20 and joined the ad service.

After a couple of weeks, I actually found one that seemed relatively interesting. Well, interesting enough for me to respond to her ad, that is. Not the prettiest by far, but with a very promising sounding personality (famous last words, I know). Now before I proceed with the remainder of the story, let me explain a little bit about the whole Internet dating process. On this particular service you can choose to formally respond to an ad via e-mail, or, if the correct icon is present on that person’s profile, you can bypass that whole thing and strike up a real time conversation via Instant Messaging.

I chose the latter of the two…. impatient as I am. Now you will notice from here on out that the remainder of this story will be filled with things that I should not have done or things I should have done differently. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but my misfortune equals your laughter. Anyway, I decided to IM her (that’s computer jargon for “Instant Message”, for all you Internet neophytes). Sure she was talkative…actually a little too talkative……okay she talked way too much. As a matter of fact, about 6 minutes into the conversation I was presented with her home and cell phone numbers. Now I am a very trusting person, but I don’t give my cell phone number to just some potential freak that I meet online. That’s just dangerous. But, if you want to stroke a guy’s ego, volunteer your phone number. Needless to say, my common sense went out the window.

Two days of calling this mystery woman and engaging in small talk landed me a brief “meet and greet” in her hometown of Hammond. Now Hammond is about a 40 minute drive east of Baton Rouge, and I decided to go at the end of my day on a Tuesday. Tuesdays are normally long days for me, so I found myself driving east at 8:45 that night to see what I was getting myself into. Once again….common sense was absent. Anyway, there are certain things that I should’ve taken as “signs” on that fateful night. The first of these signs was the fact that her cell phone was getting horrible reception, and I was unable to reach her while I was making the journey. Now I ask you…who gets bad cell phone reception IN THEIR HOME TOWN? Not me, but I’m not with Bubba’s Cell Phone and Taxidermy. Maybe she was. Anyway, this was just a sign of things to come.
So that I don’t ramble on and make this an excruciatingly long story, I’ll fast forward to the fact that I finally got in touch with her, and arranged to meet at a gas station in Hammond, and possibly go out for a drink from there. I described my vehicle to her and waited. My second warning came when I saw her vehicle pull into the parking lot. While negotiating a turn she actually got hung up on the curb. I’m not a perfect driver either, hell I can only see out of one eye. Occasionally I will hit the curb. It just happens. Getting a tire hung up on a curb takes effort…but she managed it. I should’ve left right then and there…. but my common sense had yet to kick in.

Now she did not notice me when she finally got off the curb and pulled into the parking lot. I drive a Mitsubishi Montero, but I drive the old folks’ model, not the hip and chic “Montero Sport”. This was my last opportunity and I failed to take it. Damn. I started the truck up and pulled over so she could see me. Her face lit up…..like a black light. Her picture on the Internet did her no justice whatsoever. By that I mean that I felt like the victim of false advertisement. Now I feel I should clarify something because I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite. I have a very easy time finding beauty in anyone. To me, personality can do wonders for making a person very attractive in my eyes. Ugly is a strong word for me.

This woman was ugly.



After the excruciatingly long hug was over she took a step back and proceeded to pirouette in front of me, asking if I liked what I saw. I was speechless. I’m rarely speechless, but no words came out. She repeated the question twice. I still could find no words, so she proceeds to dance around, I’m guessing to “entice” me. At this point, I’m expecting either a pimp to round the block in a pink Cadillac and give me his prices for the use of his services, or Alan Funt to come back from the dead and tell me I’m on Candid Camera. I get no such relief.

Admittedly, I pride myself on being able to talk my way out of just about anything, and I didn’t want to hurt Shrek’s feelings, so I begin to engage in small talk, looking for an opportunity to bow out of the evening. She continues to dance…and it’s getting worse. I’m not talking about a jitterbug….waltz….hell, I would’ve even taken the Cabbage Patch. No, this woman is gyrating her hips and singing “cha cha cha” to me. That is, until she loses her balance and falls over.

I’m not kidding.

Here she is, laid out in the parking lot with me in complete shock standing over her. I look around to see if anyone is watching this fiasco (this just reeks of a set up for an assault case), and I ask her if she’s okay. She looks up and grins, but there is now a 3-inch gash in her arm from her 3-point landing, and she’s bleeding like a stuck pig. Pun intended. I look at her arm and tell her that we’ve got to get it cleaned up. At this point I completely forget that I have an entire first aid kit in my truck. I run into the convenient store to get a moment away from this crazy woman (and some paper towels). I come back and she’s still sitting there, so I help her up and assist in cleaning this wound on her arm. As soon as we’re done (and it’s still a bloody mess) she apologizes, assuring me that she’s not drunk or high.

..and then she resumes dancing for me….completely oblivious to her now gimped up arm.

Have you ever spoken to someone that’s really drunk or really high? If you haven’t, there are some surefire signs to tell that the person you’re dealing with ain’t all there thanks to some unknown substance. One of these signs is the fact that they repeat things…..a lot.
“I’m not drunk” – 5 times.
“Do you like what you see?” – 8 times.
“Cha cha cha” (accompanied by random and disturbing dance moves) – 24 times.
“If I was drunk I’d throw you in the back of this truck and **** your brains out” – ONCE…and even that was way too many times.

I endure this nightmare for about 15 minutes before my common sense finally resets itself and kicks in like a brick hitting me in the head. Quickly, I start fishing for an excuse to leave.
“I have to go home now. I’ve got a long day tomorrow and I need to get some sleep”.
“I thought we were going out for drinks”.
“While I’d love to, it’s really late; but it’s been really interesting meeting you”.

I start to back away to my truck, and she pursues. For every step I take backwards, she takes a step forward, until my truck is preventing me from any further retreat. She closes in for the “kill”. Immediately (12 years of karate training) my hands fly up. (Not to punch her in the mouth…I’m not a violent person, and she’s already lost enough blood for the night), I did this to keep her from getting too close. This somehow triggers a brief synopsis about how she really is a beautiful person and that she’s got a great heart. To illustrate, she grabs my right hand and puts it on her boob to feel her heart beat. Not her chest, mind you…I know the difference. She puts my hand on her boob. Under any other circumstances (or any other woman for that matter) this might have been fun, but I had JUST MET THIS WOMAN, and fiber of my being was screaming “screw loose!” I immediately wrenched my hand away and shoved both of my hands in my pockets. This of course gives her the opportunity to put an arm on either side of me, completely blocking my escape.

…and she continues to close in…..evidently trying to “consummate” our relationship right there in the freaking parking lot.

Finally, I’ve had enough. Somehow I manage to phase into my truck and say a very polite goodbye. Unfortunately this is not without the sacrifice of my left cheek, which is presented with the nastiest, sloppiest kiss I’ve ever experienced (including various species of dog, and one camel). It literally sends chills through me. Not the good chills. The chills you get when little Meagan pukes the green stuff on the priest in The Exorcist. This is followed by a whisper that goes something like this:

“Next time I can put that kiss anywhere you want it”.

Okay screw this. I roll my window up, almost taking the gimp arm with me. I don’t remember saying goodbye, but instead peeled the tires on my poor Montero and did somewhere between 95 and 110 miles per hour all the way home, pausing every few seconds to make sure she wasn’t following me. Trolls have a habit of latching on to the things that catch their fancy, y’know.

When I got home I actually left the door of my truck open to get into the house and scrub my face. I washed the clothes I was wearing 3 times. I’m still considering throwing them away. The next day I told one of my best friends about the experience and my worries that crazy woman still has my phone number. Calmly she requested the woman’s number and had one of her co-workers call crazy woman to explain that I already had a real girlfriend and she would not be hearing from me ever again. I bought her co-worker drinks that night….in fact, I’m buying her drinks for the rest of the year. Sadly, this has completely traumatized me from the world of Internet dating. I now stay home with my cats and never travel east, for fear of what lives out there. Maybe I’m better off single.

Cha cha cha.

How to Make a Cheap A**ed Breakfast Quche and Still Look Like a Pro

I like quiche.  It sounds like it's expensive to make.  When you mention it, it sounds like you know what you're doing in the kitchen.  It's also kinda fun to make if you want a high-volume breakfast (for feeding a lot of folks) and you don't want to spend all morning over the stove.  Keep in mind, I am on a working-man's budget and I really don't have a lot of money to spend on making something expensive; so what you have here is something that anyone (and I mean anyone, guys...this means you) can make.

Want to impress the wife or girlfriend for breakfast?  Pay attention.

Here's what you'll need: eggs (I used 5 to feed 3), onion, steamable veggies (green giant brand costs like $1 apiece), shredded cheese and BACON (don't judge me).

Use a minimal amount of garlic salt.  Also, no self-respecting cook from Louisiana makes anything without Tony's.  Heck, I even put it in my pastries......

The neat thing about onions is that they take on a different flavor when sauteed.  If you're feeling adventurous, sautee them using the bacon grease (this is for taste folks....I didn't say anything about healthy eating.  If you want that go follow a health-food blog).

Milk.  It makes things "fluff".  I'm comfortable enough in my manhood to say the word fluff.  You'll need it for a good quiche because the fluff extends your eggs.....

This is what the Green Giant veggies look like after steaming.  This time around, I used the kind with green beans, green onions and red potatoes.  There's plenty to choose from at the supermarket, and remember, they're cheap.

Unless you actually like spending an hour scrubbing the bottom of your glass cookware, be sure to coat it with this first.  Preheat your oven to 350 degrees (otherwise it'll cook too fast and not rise the way it's supposed to)

This is what everything looks like mixed together.  Use the Tony's & garlic salt to taste.  Remember not to use too much if you put bacon in yours like I did because the sodium in the bacon will flavor it as well.  A salty quiche is nasty.

Ready to bake!  A layer of cheese goes on top.  Use whatever cheese you like.  I think I used Colby & Monterrey Jack this time. 

Give it about 20 minutes....sit down with your coffee and watch a bad movie.  I think I was watching Simon Sez (with Dennis Rodman in it).  You can't get much worse.....

So you don't get too caught up in the snobbery that is quiche, round it out with a "mess of grits".  Is that a whole stick of butter in there?!  Don't judge....I'm from the south.....

Risen, fluffy, and guaranteed to draw a crowd of hungry breakfast eaters.

Here's a little cross-section, served with a modest portion of grits on one of those dainty little plates you see chefs use on TV.  You may choose to garnish with some parsley flakes.  Be sure to drink your coffee with your pinky up to add to the atmosphere of your expensive meal.

Keep in mind folks, you can do all kinds of variations of a breakfast quiche; and I find the vegetarian version is particularly popular.  It also saves well, so what you don't use, you can cut up, put into Tupperware and eat on the next day. 

Enjoy!

Finally, something useful! Here's an easy recipe!

Occasionaly, I will say something on here that's a little more useful than the occcasional guffaw.

Case in point.  I cook.  No, I don't mean throw crap in the microwave an nuke it.  I also don't mean slapping meat on the grill and burning it while beating my chest and drinking beer.....

cooking.......

...although I have done the latter quite frequently.....

...I mean actually cook.  You see, my love of cooking has grown throughout the years to a point of where I can either a) actually know what I'm doing, or b) fake it really well.  Regardless, it's become quite the fun hobbyy when I'm not chasing behind my kids, working or otherwise getting into trouble. 

On a side note, if you're a guy and you read my blog, learn to cook.  It's cool.  It's fun, it's a bit of a challenge at times, and with the right instructions, pretty much idiot proof. 

....with the wrong instructions you can blow up your house.  Just ask the hundreds of people that attempt to fry a turkey indoors every year.

...not cooking....know the difference.



 

....but I digress.  There's a reason for today's post is because yesterday I delved into something I don't often get a chance to try my hand with: a chowder.  Granted, chowders aren't something I consider because they sound complicated.  When you have 2 children under age 10, complicated means you're eating alone (and that includes my wife).  Be that as it may there are some things that, while I'm good at them, you rarely see me with the occasion to make them because they just won't be eaten.



This chower I made was not one of them.  It was shrimp & corn chowder.....and it was darned good.



Granted, I can't take the credit on it.  The recipe came from cooks.com recipe search and it's under the name Sherry Monfils.  Sherry, ya done good......

....anyway folks, so that I don't steal Ms. Sherry's work, here's the link to the recipe:

http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,2248,159177-235201,00.html

....but I did, in fact, make some minor changes:





The big-assed beer and monkey have
 nothing to do with the recipe; but they made
cooking more fun.  Consider this my homage to the
youtube show My Drunk Kitchen.





All ingredients - prior to cooking it down
into the actual chowder.

• I used fresh corn.  My in-laws had recently managed to get some fresh corn from a family friend.  EVERYTHING tastes better when it's fresh.   It was a large ziplock bag full.  By the way, I'll note that my wife's family is largely French-Cajun.  If I did not already know how to cook, then my marriage proposal would have fallen upon deaf ears.  99.99% of the guys in Louisiana (where I lived for 10+ years) can cook.  Those that can't are still single.
• If you have to choose between half & half and heavy whipping cream, heavy whipping cream will win all the time in my kitchen.  To me, that's like buying a Harley Davidson motorcycle and then putting a silencer on the muffler.




The final product is OMG good!

• 2 lbs of shrimp is okay.  I think I was closer to 1.75 lbs. 

Y'know, I might be on to something here. 







An Incomplete Anthology of Jean Claude Van Dammage!

This past Wednesday night before going to bed, I was flipping channels and noticed that the Jean Claude Van Damme movie Timecop was on.  This made me smile because I was practically raised on his flicks, and it's probably part of the reason why I train in martial arts today.  I still remember being one of the thousands of teenage fans of the movie Bloodsport, it's gleeful violence, and it's star, the Muscles from Brussels.....

Indeed, back in the day, 'ol Van Damme set the standard for "kick flicks"; so after much thought, I figured I'd take you through a brief (albeit incomplete) anthology of his more memorable movies.

Ivan...one of the coolest bad guys, evah....

No Retreat - No Surrender
I think I'm one of 3 people on the planet that actually remembers this movie.  I think I'm one of 2 that actually likes it.  If you didn't already know, THIS was the movie that really put VanDamme on the map; and I think it's the only movie where he actually plays the bad guy (as Ivan the Russian....you really have to see it to believe it).  This movie, probably almost as much as the cult favorite The Last Dragon, is really what piqued my interest in martial arts.  Never mind that the acting is horrid.....I went out and bought every single martial arts mag I could find after seeing this flick, and found myself hoping that Bruce Lee (or at least a really bad imitation, like in this movie) would miraculously walk out of my closet and personally show me the way to enlightenment in martial arts.    If for no other reason, the final scene between the movie's actual hero and Van Damme make the ordeal worth it.  It's actually fun to watch.

Bloodsport

Jean Claude Van Damme learns the Dim Mak death touch in this movie....Teaches you how to break the bottom brick in a stack.  Very helpful if you're in construction.

What more can be said about this movie?  I think the TV channel G4 still goes through Bloodsport fits and shows it multiple times each week.  I'd dare say that while not as influential, this movie is about as "guy-popular" as Enter the Dragon for straight-up old-school ass kicking.  While the first movie put Van Damme on the map, this one skyrocketed him to fame; and he became THE MAN.  Remember the big Chinese guy from Enter the Dragon?  He's in this one too.  Wasn't that movie almost 20 years prior?  Did that guy even age?  Geez....  Also, you'll find yourself cheering Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.  He's VanDamme's buddy in this one.  Bloodsport is actually loosely based on the life of a guy named Frank Dux, a rather controversial martial artist who claimed to break a lot of records in the late 70's & early 80's.  While doubt has been cast on some of these claims, one thing is for sure: he made Jean Claude Van Damme RICH.

Kickboxer

Tong Po...this dude is just nasty.

Tong Po!  The bad guy in this flick definitely gets my vote as the ugliest dude VanDamme ever faced.  Here's some more trivia for you.....this movie actually launched the stellar movie career of competitive kickboxer Dennis Alexio.  Who?  Exactly.....
Watch this movie if only to enjoy the scene where Jean Claude gets drunk and kicks butt while disco dancing.  It's hilarious.  You'll find yourself cheering "nok soo kow" at the end too.....
 On a side note, there are like 3 or 4 sequels to this flick.  Jean Claude Van Damme is in none of them.  In retrospect, if VanDamme walks away from the plot, how good can it be?  Yeah, that bad.  Don't bother......

Cyborg

The bad guy in Cyborg made having a grill cool long before Lil Wayne.....

My late father loved this movie.  I hated it.  Why?  This was the first movie where I really started to notice that the bad guy would just stand there screaming while waiting to get hit with Jean Claude's patented jump spinning crescent kick.  It's overused in this movie...somewhere around 3,786 times.......Sorry, Mr. Van Damme, you bored me.

Lionheart

Harrison Page is in the movie Lionheart.  He reminds you by screaming the hero's name about 372 times....

This one had a plot?  I know that Jean Claude was a French Foreign Legion deserter.  I know that he got into the world of underground fighting.  I know that some black guy goes around screaming the name "Lionheart!" every time Jean Claude gets into trouble.  The rest is a repetitive blur......this is a TBS (and you have nothing better to do) movie at best.

Double-Impact

Juliette Lewis is NOT in the movie Double Impact....but her dad is.  She's just a lot better looking so I figured I'd put her here instead.

DOUBLE your Van-Damage!!  Jean Claude plays his own twin and takes on the Chinese crime syndicate!  Awesome!  Y'know, in one of the opening scenes, he's teaching yoga in pink tights.  This made the rest of the movie hard to watch......

Did you know that Van Damme went back and made a second Universal Soldier movie?  I guess the first 2 hours of unintelligible dialogue wasn't enough.....

Universal Solder
Take the Muscles from Brussels, turn him into a cyborg, and pit him against the guy that played the Russian boxer Drago in Rocky IV.  What do you get?  A whole lotta dialogue that you won't understand......


Timecop
This movie is actually good.  The late Ron Silver convincingly plays the bad guy (as he's so capable of doing), and someone obviously finally took the time to show Van Damme how to act.  If you're into sci-fi the way that I am, you'll enjoy this.  It's got one of the more memorable "bad guy death scenes" evah.

Nowhere to Run
Bad guy turned good....protects a family from other bad guys.  Uses "the kick" while the bad guys just stand there.  Yawn!

Hard Target

Let's get this straight, we do NOT do this in Louisiana.....

Okay, I need to say a little bit about this one because it's not only my favorite Jean Claude Van Damme movie, it's one of my favorite movies period.  Keep in mind, he teamed up with John Woo (yes, THAT John Woo) as director, and Lance Henriksen plays another believable bad guy.  At the risk of my wife jump spin crescent kicking ME in the face, I will also venture to say that Yancy Butler is HOT in this movie.  Van Damme plays a Cajun named Boudreaux (which, in itself is a hilarious premise) that gets mixed up with some guys that hunt people for sport.  John Woo knows how to do action sequences.  Period.  Keep an eye out for Arnold Voosloo (from The Mummy) and the oatmeal guy that now does diabetes commercials (he's one of the best characters in the movie).  The fight scene with Boudreaux and the street thugs in the French Quarter is darned fun to watch.   


Double-Team

How do you capitalize on Van Damme's acting skills?  Put this guy in the movie with him

VanDamme and Dennis Rodman.  Yes, that Dennis Rodman.  Don't even bother.  Go find the movie Gymkata....you're better off.

Sudden Death

Beware the giant female killer penguin!!

This is actually another good one; and suggests that Jean Claude was occasionally making some good choices in movie plots to work with.  It's got a Die-Hard-esque feel to it and Powers Boothe plays a bad guy that you quickly learn to hate (and find yourself looking forward to the 'bad guy death scene').  This movie delivers on that scene by the way.  Watch this movie if only to catch the fight scene between Jean Claude and the giant female penguin.  Seriously.....

Street Fighter

Raul Julia's untimely death was preceded by some really bad advice.

Raul Julia....such an acclaimed actor.  I am so sorry this was your final movie.

The Quest

I still have this edition.  All that hype.....

Although there are many other movies Van Damme was in, I'm going to end my anthology with this one.  I still have a Black Belt Magazine edition where, as a preview, this movie was heralded as the flick that would actually dethrone Enter the Dragon.  Well, it didn't.  Granted, it's not a bad movie; the bad guy is one that Van Damme had already faced like 2 or 3 times.  Really, dude?  You couldn't find another bad guy?  Tong Po was booked?  Poor Roger Moore (yes, from the James Bond movies) looks like he could care less about being there.  This movie is quite literally a re-hash of Bloodpsort with some extra twists thrown in.  It's another one to watch if you're bored and between Dancing With the Stars seasons......

No, all of these movies I listed here were good.  Actually, some of them are downright bad.  Okay..awful.  Still, Van Damme remains one of the most prolific action heroes of the 80's & early 90's, back when nothing was CGI'ed.....back when a lot of Schwarzenegger's leading ladies in movies were Hispanic women (don't think I didn't notice that).....back when Steven Seagal would mutter something unintelligible before beating the crap out of Tommy Lee Jones.  Action flicks really were hyper-violent guy-flicks back then, full of testosterone-laden martial arts experts that could kick your head off.  Here's to you Jean Claude......one of the greatest!