A Quick Lesson in Parental Communication Skills

The past few years as a parent have enlightened me to the fact that those of us with small children actually have our own specific language and communication skills that differ from those without.  The following are a few examples of words you may hear uttered (repeatedly) from a parent's mouth:

• gitcha (prounced "get-cha") - uses include "gitcha hands out of that" or "gitcha finger out of your nose"!
• At-AT - not to be confused with the Star Wars mode of transportation.  The emphasis is placed on the second "at" as a way to say "cut it out".  It's usually accompanied by a stern look.
• MmMM - see above.  It's used the same way.
• stopitstopitstopit - self explanatory.

I've noticed that we also lose the ability to finish sentences, but expect the child to know exactly what we're talking about.  Evidently, at some point in their development, kids become mind readers.  It's my sincere belief that this ability is lost permanently at the teenage years where we have to repeat things often, and loudly.  Still, some of the incomplete sentences you may hear in the house hold include:

• "If you don't...." (leave that alone you're in trouble)
• "Don't make me...." (come over there or repeat myself)
• "Get...." (out of that!)
• "Close the....... " (door - refrigerator, front, closet, etc.)

Keep in mind that the part in parenthesis is RARELY heard. 

You also have to watch facial expressions carefully.  If mom's face distorts in pain, you've probably messed up.  If Dad raises an eyebrow, run.  You also learn to recognize the tone of a sigh.  Some are exasperation.  Some are frustration.  They ALL have different meanings, depending on the situation.  Yesterday, my wife and I cleaned our kids rooms.  We each took a room and spent 2 hours talking to one another through sighs, grunts and the occasional "ewww".  

I could teach a class in this stuff.....

and in the news today....

TMZ reports that Earl Simmons (aka DMX) was put back in jail this week.

....waitaminit....when did he get out?

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Common "Parental" Illnesses (a blog post for my wife)

Unbeknownst to many, there are some common maladies associated with parenthood.  Unfortunately, you must actually have young to teenage children living in the home in order to be struck down by these debilitating sicknesses.

I, for example, commonly suffer from mykidswon'tletmesleepitis.  The most recent bout was brought on last night when both the 4 & 7 year old woke up at 2:00 am to ask if they could watch cartoons.

While that particular disease doesn't strike down my wife with quite as much frequency, you may notice that her voice is constantly hoarse due to a little-known form of the influenza virus.  It's known as Ikeeprepeatingmyselfluenza.  One of the common side effects of this upper respiratory illness is the tendency to tell your kids to do something (or stop doing something) no fewer than 3 times within a 5 minute period. 

an acute case of "howinthehelldoIkeepmyhousecleananoma" if I ever saw one....

There is one other that both my wife and I suffer from on a regular basis; as do many parents.  This is the granddaddy of all parental illnesses known as howinthehelldoIkeepmyhousecleananoma.  Common side effects can include a hunched over posture from constantly picking up after the children, a strained look on the face from finding things improperly put away, dishpan hands, and a sensitivity to laundry detergent, dust, and Lysol from overuse and overexposure.

Today, I'll be calling my insurance company to see if any of these are covered under my plan.  Something tells me that I'll get hit with the pre-existing condition clause......

Whereforartthou, Wesley?

In prison.....that's where.

Dude....that's just wrong.

You close fans that know me well know that I lead a double life as a martial arts instructor.  When I'm not being a smartypants, I actually run a karate school.  It's largely a labor of love for me as I enjoy sharing the knowledge I've learned over the years.


Please allow me to impart some of that knowledge unto you......pay your freaking taxes.


Y'know, when I was younger (particularly in the 90's), I remember that Wesley Snipes made some of the coolest action flicks on this side of Steven Seagal.  Remember "Passenger 47"?  I  don't know what was more fun about that movie, the nonstop butt-kicking a'la Wesley or the "jazzy black guy hero" music in the background that permeated every single scene.  Watch his movies and you'll notice that his one-liners rival those of the Governator himself (I'd rattle off a few but most of them include curse words).  Consider the fact that even today you rarely see such a celebrated African American hero in cinema, much less one that's actually versed in more than one martial art.  The guy has definitely been an influence in my own journey....

Passenger 57?  No, Inmate #5701.

...well, up until now.....


I can't help but think back to the movie that he made called "Undefeated" when he played the part of a jailed boxer.....I wonder if there will be another chapter of that movie?  Heaven forbid one of the other inmates remembers the part he played in "To Wong Foo......".  Yikes.

I hope the other inmates don't see this.....

Anyway, this whole experience, even watching from afar, has certainly scared the beejezus out of me.  I mean, there are people out there that actually don't pay taxes and think they can get away with it?  The sheer thought of "skipping a tax year" gives me the shivers.  I couldn't imagine getting a bill from Uncle Sam for a couple million bucks like he did.  Holy crap. I think I'd curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb. From what I can gather though, Mr. Snipes spent about 3 years arguing the point with the feds.  I can think of better ways to plead your case, kind sir.  I kind equate this to catching my 4 year old son with his hand in the cookie jar and him blaming me for making the cookies.  It don't add up.

Looks like the vampires finally won....and they work for the government.....

So anyway, my homage to one of the great African American martial arts heroes will have to stop short of 2010 when 'ol boy went to jail and now eats burritos for dinner on a regular basis. 


....maybe we'll get another Blade movie out of this.

Watch Your Wipes! (from the original Life's Little Lesson's Blog)

Here's another one I migrated from my old blog.  Something to get you by until I find something else funny to say..... 


I think this one is from June of 2007.

I love getting up in the morning and watching CNN.  You catch the most interesting stories, y’know.

…but today’s story scared me.

Paris Hilton in jail again?  No.

Space Shuttle problems?  No.

More problems in the Middle East?  No.

….a lady was arrested for stealing items from her job.

Geez…what do you steal from your office that gets you arrested?  Money?  Important documents?  Furniture?  Some kinda serious offense, doncha think?

Nope.  Toilet paper.

She was hauled to the county jail for swiping toilet paper…..and will potentially get 3 years for it.  No joke.

Now I’m not made of money either.  I have my weeks when I’m counting the moments to payday cause I have to buy some necessities; still, I think this story starts, in my eyes, an ugly precedence.

Don’t think that I haven’t known that I’m low on tp at home and considered it.  I’m a guy…..you think about stuff like that when you’re on the throne at work for an extended period of time (among other things).  Still, common sense kicks in and I leave the office TP alone. 

Now there’s a little more to the story folks.  Here at my office for example, there is a mountain of ass-paper in the supply garage.  If I really wanted to steal some I’d be set for at least a year if I were to seriously consider a major heist.  This lady, on the other hand, was stealing them directly from the stall and hiding them under her shirt.

Now my brain immediately concocted a couple of interesting, and unanswered questions when I heard this:

• Ladies, how do you hide an entire roll of toilet paper under your shirt and expect to get away with it?  I thought there was only enough room for a couple of wads…..
• Can you imagine the poor sap that entered the stall AFTER  her alleged pilfering?  Man, talk about an ugly situation.  What do you do ladies do when this happens, call for help?  Maybe this is why most women go to the restroom in pairs.  You can use the buddy system in case of a TP emergency.
  • Keep in mind, guys don’t have this luxury – hence the skid marks.

The news story even went as far as to interview some of her co-workers.  Evidently there was some concern already about there being an excessive use of toilet paper.

Huh???

Folks actually keep tabs on stuff like that?  Whodathunk it?  Sheryl Crow’s “one sheet per visit” suggestion was right.  Guess I gotta start cutting down; but I have a problem with this too. 

As a male, I only recently discovered the direct correlation between a few extra wipes and the life-expectancy of your underwear.  You ladies with boyfriends and hubbies can share this with your men if you haven’t already done so.  If you take a man-poop, then it takes a lot more than a couple of sheets (and swipes) to get things clean down there. 

….but I digress…..

Then again, maybe this was one of those rare women that suffered from man-poops.  A good man-poop will make you hold on to the railing in the stall and will use up almost an entire roll to get things back to normal.  Maybe this was the cause of her excessive toilet-paper budget….hence causing her to take drastic measures….I mean, she was a rather large woman.

….but this is just a theory.

Anyway folks; watch your TP usage at work, and for heaven’s sake, don’t take the entire roll home.

Typical Morning in My House......

It's 6:41 am here in sunny Houston, TX.

I just had a heated discussion with my 4 year old son regarding the conditions of a "shart".

For those of you not in the know, it's a fart that comes with more than you bargained for.

To prove his point, the 4 year old demonstrated. 

<sigh>.....bath time. 

"It's On Like......"

Reading Yahoo News this morning, and it says that Nintendo is trying to trademark the phrase "It's On Like Donkey Kong".  Among other issues they face include a potential fight with Ice Cube due to the use of the phrase on one of the tracks of his '92 CD. 

Forget "Are We There Yet".  This is the Ice Cube I remember.  Kinda scary and ready to pop a cap in Mario's behind.

Really, Nintendo, you're gonna pick a fight with Ice Cube?  Have you even heard any of his old stuff?  Not a good practice to take on one of the "Straight Outta Compton" pioneers of Gansta Rap y'know.  I wanna see the Lynch Mob (Ice Cube's old, post-NWA group) show up at Nintendo HQ in full garb.  End of story.

I nominate a new phrase...."It's On Like Ice Cube Kicking Some Nintendo Exec's Butt".

My Childhood Can Beat Up Yours

On Saturdays, because of the nature of our jobs and schedules, my wife brings our kids to the office so that they can spend the afternoon with Dad while she goes to work.  They usually spend most of this time outside chasing each other when the weather is favorable.  I usually let them run around each other in circles until they fall out.

Makes putting them to bed a little easier, y'know......

The other day, I was watching the two of them play (aged 4 & 7) and I began to think about the things that I did as a kid and how they shaped my adult life.  If you're near my age, do you remember some of those games?  They were not for the squeamish, if you recall; and by today's standards they were probably borderline violent.  I honestly don't think today's kids (even mine) would survive half of them; but childhood was very different back then.

Do you remember "Roll Over Red Rover"?  This was a childhood phrase for "let's clothesline your friends".  A bunch of kids interlocks hands and you try to run through to break the chain.  Inevitably you make the mistake of trying to run through the kid that has the Gi-Joe Kung Fu Grip with one of the other kids and (when you were the short kid like me), you get blunt force trauma to the neck.

....but you shake it off and do it again anyway......

How about "Tackle the Man With the Ball"?  Way back when, it had a much less politically correct name.  Imagine this: toss a football into the air.  Someone has to catch it.  If you are that unlucky sap, run like hell because your former friends are now trying to wipe you off of the planet.  Assuming you survived, you get to throw the ball to your buddies and be one of the attackers.  Cool points are scored by knocking a friend out of his shoes and sending him home crying.

This is essentially the same concept behind "tackle the man with the ball", except you're the only one being chased. 

...and the next day, you apologize, hop on your bikes together and go riding around the neighborhood together.

Now that particular game, when I was a kid, was played EVERYWHERE.  If you couldn't go to the park, you played it in a friend's yard.  If you didn't have a yard, you played it in the street, or a parking lot.  You got bruised, bloodied, and you laughed about it.

....this brings us to my next favorite.  "Spread Eagle".  This game was essentially dodge ball with executioner's rules.  The abridged version goes like this:

• Find a wall - when I was a kid, the outdoor wall of an apartment complex, bordering the parking lot was usually perfect.
• Get 4 - 6 tennis balls.
• Line up anywhere from 4 - 6 kids. 
• You have ONE person throwing.  The others dodge like their lives depend on it (because they do).
• If you're the unlucky kid that gets hit with a tennis ball, the rest of your so-called buddies all get a ball of their own, you "spread eagle" on the wall and everyone gets a free shot at you.

....seriously, we actually looked forward to this game.......

Not even these guys would survive the version of Dodge ball I used to play.

I could go on, but my point is that childhood games sorta toughened you up a bit.  They're never played anymore either.  The only time we played touch football is when they made us play it in school; and everyone thought it was silly.  Football was played without pads, at the park, and usually right after it rained.  When you tackled someone, you tackled them like they owed you money and cursed your mother.  Then you all got up and laughed about it, assuming that everyone's still breathing.

When I was a child, McDonald's didn't catch heat for fattening our kids because our parents could never catch us to actually go to McDonalds.  We'd spend the entire day at the park if you let us.  We'd climb trees and fall out of them.  We'd jump our bikes over sewage ditches (and sometimes not make it).  We would catch snapping turtles (yes, actual Alligator Snappers) with our bare hands.  We'd get hurt and have stories to tell on the next school day. 

Childhood was an adventure back then.

It Runs In the Family!!

David Casssidy was busted for a DUI last night. 

full story on tmz.com

Okay everyone, sing along with me........"c'mon get happy!!"  If you don't know that song then you're too young to read this.

And talk about one heck of a DUI too....wine, hydrocodone, and a half a bottle of bourbon.  Wow, I haven't drank like that since.....well, I've never drank like that.....

Danny Bonaduce must be so proud.......at least they're keeping it in the family.

From the Archives of the Original: "Beware of One Uppers"

I was reading this on my original site this morning and it made me laugh again.  Figured it was worthy of reproduction.  I did this one on 4/11/2007. Enjoy!!

Because I work in an office with all guys, I get a good cross section of male personalities.  Some of them are actually a lot of fun, others are irritating as hell.

 I’m complaining about the more irritating ones today.  One type in particular.  You’ve probably seen him before, because he exists in more than one circle of friends.  He’s the “one-upper”.

 One uppers know everything about everything and always have a story that tops yours….no matter what you’re talking about.  This is of particular irritation to me because I constantly remind myself that I know jack s*it about jack s*it.  That revelation is now the source of much personal humor.  If I don’t know anything about a subject, I’ll listen to you.

…that is, if you were invited into the conversation to begin with.

 My parents taught me a lot of person-to-person etiquette as a kid.  One rule was not to butt into someone else’s conversation if you’re not invited.  That’s seen as rude.  One-uppers don’t believe in doing this.  They figure everyone wants to hear about their latest exploits.  Ever been to the moon?  Even if you haven’t, let a one-upper hear you talk about it.  You can bet he (or she) turned down a job offer as an astronaut within the past 5 years.  You’ll hear all about it.

 One-uppers also tell unfunny jokes and laugh at them…even when no one else does.  My dad used to have a saying about this.  "If you tell a joke and no one laughs, then the joke wasn’t funny."  This sounds like simple advice; but it’s difficult for one-uppers to follow.  They like to spread their unfunny jokes.  

 There’s something else my parents taught me as a child.  It was to always be sure to look someone in the eye when you’re speaking with them.  If you know me then you know that my body language is pretty easy to read.  If you’re in the middle of saying something and I abruptly break eye contact then I’ve abruptly dismissed you.  Either you no longer interest me, or you have managed to say something so irrelevant to the conversation that I don’t deem you worthy of speaking to me anymore.  Sorry.

 It’s funny to watch one-uppers get ousted from a conversation too.  I’ve seen entire groups turn their backs on them (literally).  They continue to talk, completely oblivious to the silent vote that ‘no one wants to hear about that time you raced a Lamborghini in your Geo Metro and won’.  

 Conversation is a give and take, y’know.  In a social setting you take turns sharing stories, experiences and inexperiences.  You have a few laughs along the way.  Like I said, I don’t know everything about everything, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to hear your take on it if I wasn't talking to you to begin with.  If you’re such a cornucopia of knowledge, then how come you work at the grocery store and live at home with mom and dad?  Leave me alone.

 Beware of one-uppers.  They suck the life out of the conversation.  You will be left dazed, wondering what you were talking about to begin with and full of bad jokes.  Ugh. 

My house is haunted.....by my stupid cat

I've been watching too many TV shows about ghost hunting.

If you're like me, then there's a small part of you that wants to know what it's like to have an "encounter" with the supernatural.  We may not always voice it; but it's part of the reason why we watch those shows.  There's a part of us that wants to see that other side.

Was it Fox or Mulder that said "I want to believe"?  I dunno....I never watched X-Files cause I had enough friends telling about each episode.

Repeatedly.

Anyway, I recently thought I had a genuine ghost encounter at my house; and was ready to break out the ghost-busting gear, find myself an Ouija board and call Harold Ramis (directed the movie "Ghostbusters", folks....keep up with me here) to document it so that the truth could be known.  This was my ticket, folks.  I was gonna get rich by having Ghost Hunters, Oprah and maybe even Dr. Phil over at my house.

...well, maybe not Dr. Phil.....he's hard to get rid of once he comes over.

It started a couple of weeks ago with some mysterious noises from my hallway.  Now, let me give you a little background here.  We live in a  4 bedroom house.  The hallway leading to the bedrooms is separated from the living room by a door which can be closed shut.  At night, everyone's door is closed so that should someone get up in the middle of the night (or early, like I do when working shift) so that the other family members are not awakened.  Still, because of my "parental hearing", when a kid gets up, I usually hear it, and I'm wide awake by the time the child reaches our bedroom door.

If you are a parent, you probably understand "parental hearing" and how it affects your sleeping habits.  I've actually heard a snail pooing in the neighbor's yard.  Woke me up like a gunshot.

....but I digress.

So here we are, in the middle of the night, and everyone is "sleeping".

I hear the door separating the bedroom hallway open and close.

I don't hear footsteps.

As I shake off the grogginess, my mind begins to process what I've just heard.  Normally, I can figure out what's going on in a relatively short period of time, including who got up and the reason why.  It's a parental survival tactic to keep you from losing your mind.

Anyway, I lie in bed analyzing what I've heard, and it doesn't make sense.  Needless to say, for a brief period in her life, daughter #1 was a regular sleep walker.  She'd get up, come to the bedroom, have some non-descript conversation with me or the wife and trudge back to her room to finish her slumber.  It was weird, but slightly humorous; and she's pretty much outgrown it.  My initial reaction was that the sleepwalking had returned; but the fact that I didn't hear footsteps kept getting into the way of my logic.  I can identify my kids by footsteps alone......and not hearing any kinda gives me the willies.

Now, I know what you're saying....it was the cat, and that's the end of the story....why did you bring us through all this?

Lemme explain a little more here.

I have a cat named Patches.

My wife isn't crazy about my cat.

Okay, my wife hates this cat.

Beth inherited Patches when she and I moved in together and eventually married.  While Patches does not reciprocate her rather harsh feelings, I can understand her position for a number of reasons:

• Patches lights farts that would clear a room full of skunks.
• Patches has something called "wool sucking" disease, which means he has uncontrollable urges to lick and eat anything from plastic bags to the hair on your head.
• Patches drools.  Not spittle, but bloodhound drool.
• Patches pukes.  A lot.  For sport.  It's like a guy and belching.  I think he keeps trying to outdo himself. I've found it in kids' shoes.  I've slipped in it in the bedroom, I've found cat puke in places that I'd rather not mention here.  I think he's going for some sort of record.

Needless to say, Patches is a "special kitty".  I learned to put up with is habits long ago.  To her credit, my wife has learned to put up with him as well; but with one compromise: at night, Patches does NOT get access to anyone's bedroom.

Behind this cute face lie all kinds of nasty habits.

Ever hear a cat licking a plastic trash bag at 2am?  You'll lose your religion.

Anyway, I had dismissed the idea of it being Patches because, quite simply, he doesn't have access to the area.  Logic led me to the next plausible possibility:

GHOSTS!!

The sheer mention of this, of course, gets my wife all up in arms....and suddenly, she's scared to be in the house alone.  Still, I did what I could to keep the situation calm.  The "visitor" was not harming anyone, so I figured perhaps we could live with it for a while.  Still, the wife was taking no chances, so she went out and bought a padlock for the door.  This would be utilized to keep any unwanted visitors out (since the ghosts evidently prefer to actually use the doors in our house), and if it did indeed prove to be daughter #1's sleepwalking habits, it would keep her from getting into any late night trouble while unconscious.

Problem solved.

...or so we thought.



...at least until the wife remembers one small detail.

No Zool in my house, only a cat with bad habits.  Sorry guys.....

Back when we lived in the apartments, Patches had actually figured out how to "test" a door to see if it was locked.  This cat would actually stand up on his hind legs and attempt to open the door by playing with the door knob.  I can only imagine that he'd learned this by watching me and the wife use it. Few things (even the bag licking) will rattle your nerves like hearing what sounds like a freaking person trying to get into your room in the middle of the night when you know your kids are sound asleep.  I swear, I've almost shot my cat twice.

....but the house doesn't have door knobs.  It has levers.

Patches has been opening the door and mulling around the corridor area looking for a room to explore, bags to lick, stuff to throw up on, etc..... 

I wonder if these guys train pets.......

So the door, my corridor door, mind you, now has to be locked at night to keep my stupid cat out of the hallway, since he can't resist trying to get in.  My dreams of getting rich by having a haunted house are now dashed; and I'm still slipping in cat puke when I get up at 5 am to make my coffee.

...damnit......

My Apology to Canada

I have friends that live in Canada. I'd like to take this time to apologize to them, and to the rest of the country. We didn't mean to send you Randy Quaid.

Seriously folks, I haven't seen this man act so bat s*it crazy since the movie Independence Day. Now if you haven't heard, Mr Quaid fears for his life in the US, primarily because he doesn't like to pay his bills and he likes to move into houses he doesn't own. Evidently we Americans now frown on this sort of behavior and he no longer feels welcome here.

Take off, eh? 

Yeah, really.

Y'know the really crazy part is that his wife is along for the ride. She also believes that they are at the center of some grand conspiracy to make them pay for stuff and stay out of other folks homes. That's what I call a dedicated spouse. Any woman that will "catch a case of stupid" right beside you is a keeper.

What I think is funny is the fact that in a world where you have Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson going off the deep end on a regular basis, poor Randy's behavior flies largely under the radar. I think he's sort of the DMX of Hollywood now. Does anyone remember when DMX wasn't in jail? I don't. I don't think he does either....

So Canada, we're sorry. Feel free to send Randy Quaid back. I'm hoping that we can petition brother Dennis to pay for his stuff. If not, I can always make a call to the Nicholas Cage school of money management.

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My your face smells springtime fresh!

Face scrub strategically placed by my wife's feminine wash + showering before the coffee kicks in = something I'd rather not talk about.

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Quote from a conversation this morning

True story:

You don't know the importance of keeping disposable napkins in your vehicle until one of your kids sneezes and you have nothing to wipe it with but your own hand.  Sometimes the places "daddy logic" takes you in the heat of the moment is downright scary.

ewww...

Dear birds which live in the tree above my driveway and poop on my car all night. You have not made a friend.

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As Seen on TV

Saw this at the store today. This would scare the crap out of my kids. Heck, it scares the crap out of me. Sorry, but I don't want some one eyed monster with teeth turned loose in my room. I don't care how fuzzy he is....

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What's For Lunch?

This is a consistent source of humor for me and the wife. Fortunately, the sheer name of the stuff overrides my curiosity about the taste.

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English 101 (from the original Life's Little Lessons Blog)

This was one of the more popular posts on my old blog.  I decided it was worth re-posting cause I still constantly joke about this subject.  Enjoy!

I like to write, and I’m a fan of reading. 

Unfortunately, I feel like I’m in a world where the printed word is becoming extinct. 

I take it back, a world where “properly printed word” is becoming extinct.  This is especially true for the English language.

Allow me to give you a little background on why I feel this way.  My paternal family is composed mainly of educators:

• Grandma was a high school principal.
• Oldest aunt is an English teacher.
• Oldest uncle is a college professor at Syracuse University.
• Grandma’s sisters were teachers.
• Dad earned 2 degrees.

I’m like the redheaded stepchild cause getting me to finish school was like pulling teeth.  Being the redheaded stepchild in a black family is a bad thing……

But I like to laugh at myself.

Anyway, one thing that I did grow up with is a love of the spoken and printed word.  I’ve always loved reading and I’ve always loved writing, be it in printed or typed form. 

This has unfortunately also created a severe abhorrence to PEOPLE WHO CAN’T WRITE.  Now, I’m not perfect folks, I make mistakes too, but there are certain basic rules that evidently are not taught in today’s schools.  This troubles me greatly because I see it more and more on in the workplace and in secondary school environments.

I was laughing at myself the other day cause my cell phone bill is so high…..why?  I’m a texting junkie.  I love this new-fangled technology; but I refuse to use all of the text jargon that comes with it.  It belittles the English language.  hence, when I text someone, it's usually pretty long.

Now don’t get me wrong folks, I like to use slang too….but I there’s a time and a place for it.  I’ve noticed that I’m getting less and less tolerant of common unchecked mistakes as I get older.  On any given day I’ll nominate myself as “the grammatical and punctuation police” and go on a tear about it.

For you folks that need a quick tutorial….here’s a list of my major gripes:

• Learn the difference between your and you’re; their, they’re and there; and its and it’s.  If you don’t know these rules, please look them up.  If there’s one thing that gets on my nerves, its someone that says “YOUR WELCOME”.  Did you know it’s a shortened version of “you are welcome”?  If you didn’t know this then go back to high school. 
• If there’s one thing that gets on my nerves almost as much as the first bullet it's when someone doesn’t know how to end a sentence and they let it just run on and on without any type of punctuation or break because it means that they’re (note the use of the word) not taking their time and they just want to complete their thought in one sentence.  Whew!!
• Over punctuating does not make you look smarter.  I see someone try to slip in an “apostrophe s” at least once per week.  Don’t know what an “apostrophe s” is?  Go back to school.  My boss does this all the time.  I nail him about it mercilessly.  It’ll probably get me fired one day.
• If you don’t know the meaning of a word, look it up before you use it.  Why is this so difficult?
• Just because you have spell-check on your (note my use of the word) word processing program, you are not excused from not knowing how to spell.  Look it in up in the dictionary.  Remember those?  It’s that big book that folks used to use to look up spellings and definitions.  They went out of style in 1989 and are now difficult to find.
• Just because I know what TY, UR and LOL stand for, it does not mean you’re (note my use of the word) going to get me to use them consistently.  This is especially true if I’m sending you a formal e-mail. 
• Don’t change the “person” in mid-thought.  If you’re going to start with “I or me” then you have to do the entire thing that way.  Changing from first person to 3^rd person (and vice versa) is like a big fashion “faux pas” in the literary world.  My English teacher would hurl rocks at you for this.  Hard.
• If you’re going to use slang then be blatant about it.  Otherwise I’ll make fun of you.

Okay, I quit.  It just occurred to me that I could be here all afternoon griping about the deterioration of the English language; and I don’t have time to list all of the maladies that plague today’s young adults when it comes to writing skills.

This is meant to be funny; but take pride in the way you write.  If we don’t; then the generations that come behind us will get worse and worse.  Pick up a pen….keep a journal.  Learn to love writing again….and for heaven’s sake, learn to do it right.  Your kids (and other folks’ kids) will thank you.

Watch Your Step!

Those of you that know me know that I teach martial arts part time. 

In martial arts, you learn how to execute a proper stance and how to move across a room in a balanced, efficient manner. 

This is self defense.....self defense against all the crap your kids leave on the floor.

See, I am in mid-swing with the "mother's curse", and yes, my children are as messy as I was at that age.  Sometimes, it's so bad that you do, in fact, have to watch where you step.  This morning, for example, I stubbed my toe on a purple dumbell left in the hallway. 

"sigh"....my mother's curse.

Really?  A dumbell in the hallway?  That's what I need at 6 am.  A sore toe, spilled coffee and a lot of cursing.  If you're a parent, you know what I mean.  Kids leave things.  It doesn't matter where, cause they've found something more interesting to mess with.  The other day I asked my daughter to clean her room.  An hour later I found clothes "put away" on top of her TV.  I guess that makes sense when you're 7.  My son, who is 4, is presently going through a "scared of his closet" phase.  I honestly think this is mainly because of all of the stuff he's piled into it when I ask him to put his toys away.  Even I'm scared to open it. The last time I tried it growled at me.

This whole "watch where you step" thing is compounded by the fact that we also have 4 pets.

Okay, I know what you're thinking....there's is not a "poo poo" issue in this house. 

....but, two of the pets are cats.  Cats get underfoot....especially at 2 am when you're going to the bathroom with the lights off.  I once said in my other blog that it's sport to them....trying to make you trip and break your neck.  Ever hear a cat laugh?

The other two are dogs.  These dogs are new additions to our blended family.  Granted, they fit right in (and they're worthy of their own blog entry one day); but as inside-outside dogs, they also tend to leave a trail......One of them, aptly named Squeaky, will drink water and proceed to leave an entire river of drool behind him when he happily trots away from the dish.  This river is through my wooden-floored living room.

My living room after one of the dogs drinks water.....It's about 10' deep.

Damnit.

Twice I've walked into the front of the house, seen the flood and gone back for my bathing suit to wade through the aftermath.

So, getting back to my original point (like I really had on here); take martial arts....not just for self defense, but to preserve your toes (and your sanity) when you walk through your own home.  It'll also help you keep a cool head when you find a bag of McDonald's french fries that have been in one of your kids' closets for 8 months.

Little known fact: the recent hoopla over the year old happy meal was not an experiment - that lady found it in her kid's room.

'Scuse me while I go navigate through my house......





 

Keep It In Your Pants!

I am a happily married man.

Correction, I am a happily married man with a healthy fear of his wife.

You see, as I slowly approach the age of 40, it has occurred to me that we guys not only become more capable of devoting ourselves to one woman; we also get too stupid and too lazy to cheat.


Besides, all guys are inherently technologically challenged.  In the advanced information age in which we now live; logistically speaking, cheating (or doing something that even comes close) is an extraordinarily bad idea.  Take "sexting" for example.  Seriously?  Sexting?  I still remember the "old days" when getting caught meant lipstick on the lapel or a phone number left in the pocket. 

Nowadays, Brett Favre is getting caught sending pics of his member to women.  C'mon dude.....really?  That's kinda gross....and we live in a world where people keep stuff to use at the worst possible time.  And don't you have grand kids?  I would have loved to have been in the Favre house for that discussion.....Hell, I'm not even a football fan (sorry, I wasn't born with the gene) and even I've been watching the Vikings play just to see what happens next. Someone needs to teach grandadad how to erase the penis pics from his phone.  ...and not send them out either, for that matter. 

Seriously Brett, even Larry Pratt thinks you took the "pants on the ground" thing too far....

...and like I said, I love my wife, and I'm too old and lazy anyway.  Logically speaking (like a guy, that is), the sheer cost of messing up my marriage is enough alone to keep me home. I guess all these other guys (Jesse James, Tiger Woods, etc..) can afford it.



Sepeaking of Jesse James, I wonder how many times he's heard "dude, it was Sandra Bullock....are you out of your mind?!"  Most guys see Jesse James messing that one up as pretty much equal to getting kicked in the nuts.

I figured one more time wouldn't hurt.

How many now?  I lost count at 20....maybe I should sign up and sue too...

Tiger?  Okay, you can't be THAT famous, married, and still be slinging it all over the place.  Somebody's gonna squeal about it.  Actually, about 9 of them will squeal.....maybe it was 12?  I can't keep up.


...anyway fellas, keep in in your pants.  Don't take pics of it either.  Pass on the advances, no matter how tempting.....and take your butts home to your wives at the end of the day.  If you're looking for adventure then go climb a mountain.

Alcohol....Thy Name is Fresh Breath

So I'm home doing the off-day house cleaning and I catch a commercial about the new type of "alcohol-free" Listerine. 

who needs high-dollar liquor when you have this?!

...okay, where's the fun in that? 

Not as intense, they advertise.  I didn't realize that folks that actually DRANK Listerine were that opposed to the after-effects.  Evidently, I've been missing something.

'Scuse me while I return my beer to the store and bone up on dental hygiene......
 

Hello!

This blog is actually the re-invention of an old blog that I once carried on Delphi Forums.  As Delphi charges for full service, and I'm becoming a cheapskate in my old age, I've made the decision to move it over here.  This way I can also use my Droid to create entries, and be all nerdy when the whim hits me. 

I'll probably import some of the better stories over here directly; but if you're interested in the original (which was often the highlight of my single days), the website is http://blogs.delphiforums.com/n/blogs/blog.aspx?webtag=aintkarmacool.


Recently, a friend of mine asked me to make with the stories again.......who am I to ignore my fans?  Enjoy!