A Quick Lesson in Parental Communication Skills

The past few years as a parent have enlightened me to the fact that those of us with small children actually have our own specific language and communication skills that differ from those without.  The following are a few examples of words you may hear uttered (repeatedly) from a parent's mouth:

• gitcha (prounced "get-cha") - uses include "gitcha hands out of that" or "gitcha finger out of your nose"!
• At-AT - not to be confused with the Star Wars mode of transportation.  The emphasis is placed on the second "at" as a way to say "cut it out".  It's usually accompanied by a stern look.
• MmMM - see above.  It's used the same way.
• stopitstopitstopit - self explanatory.

I've noticed that we also lose the ability to finish sentences, but expect the child to know exactly what we're talking about.  Evidently, at some point in their development, kids become mind readers.  It's my sincere belief that this ability is lost permanently at the teenage years where we have to repeat things often, and loudly.  Still, some of the incomplete sentences you may hear in the house hold include:

• "If you don't...." (leave that alone you're in trouble)
• "Don't make me...." (come over there or repeat myself)
• "Get...." (out of that!)
• "Close the....... " (door - refrigerator, front, closet, etc.)

Keep in mind that the part in parenthesis is RARELY heard. 

You also have to watch facial expressions carefully.  If mom's face distorts in pain, you've probably messed up.  If Dad raises an eyebrow, run.  You also learn to recognize the tone of a sigh.  Some are exasperation.  Some are frustration.  They ALL have different meanings, depending on the situation.  Yesterday, my wife and I cleaned our kids rooms.  We each took a room and spent 2 hours talking to one another through sighs, grunts and the occasional "ewww".  

I could teach a class in this stuff.....

and in the news today....

TMZ reports that Earl Simmons (aka DMX) was put back in jail this week.

....waitaminit....when did he get out?

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Common "Parental" Illnesses (a blog post for my wife)

Unbeknownst to many, there are some common maladies associated with parenthood.  Unfortunately, you must actually have young to teenage children living in the home in order to be struck down by these debilitating sicknesses.

I, for example, commonly suffer from mykidswon'tletmesleepitis.  The most recent bout was brought on last night when both the 4 & 7 year old woke up at 2:00 am to ask if they could watch cartoons.

While that particular disease doesn't strike down my wife with quite as much frequency, you may notice that her voice is constantly hoarse due to a little-known form of the influenza virus.  It's known as Ikeeprepeatingmyselfluenza.  One of the common side effects of this upper respiratory illness is the tendency to tell your kids to do something (or stop doing something) no fewer than 3 times within a 5 minute period. 

an acute case of "howinthehelldoIkeepmyhousecleananoma" if I ever saw one....

There is one other that both my wife and I suffer from on a regular basis; as do many parents.  This is the granddaddy of all parental illnesses known as howinthehelldoIkeepmyhousecleananoma.  Common side effects can include a hunched over posture from constantly picking up after the children, a strained look on the face from finding things improperly put away, dishpan hands, and a sensitivity to laundry detergent, dust, and Lysol from overuse and overexposure.

Today, I'll be calling my insurance company to see if any of these are covered under my plan.  Something tells me that I'll get hit with the pre-existing condition clause......

Whereforartthou, Wesley?

In prison.....that's where.

Dude....that's just wrong.

You close fans that know me well know that I lead a double life as a martial arts instructor.  When I'm not being a smartypants, I actually run a karate school.  It's largely a labor of love for me as I enjoy sharing the knowledge I've learned over the years.


Please allow me to impart some of that knowledge unto you......pay your freaking taxes.


Y'know, when I was younger (particularly in the 90's), I remember that Wesley Snipes made some of the coolest action flicks on this side of Steven Seagal.  Remember "Passenger 47"?  I  don't know what was more fun about that movie, the nonstop butt-kicking a'la Wesley or the "jazzy black guy hero" music in the background that permeated every single scene.  Watch his movies and you'll notice that his one-liners rival those of the Governator himself (I'd rattle off a few but most of them include curse words).  Consider the fact that even today you rarely see such a celebrated African American hero in cinema, much less one that's actually versed in more than one martial art.  The guy has definitely been an influence in my own journey....

Passenger 57?  No, Inmate #5701.

...well, up until now.....


I can't help but think back to the movie that he made called "Undefeated" when he played the part of a jailed boxer.....I wonder if there will be another chapter of that movie?  Heaven forbid one of the other inmates remembers the part he played in "To Wong Foo......".  Yikes.

I hope the other inmates don't see this.....

Anyway, this whole experience, even watching from afar, has certainly scared the beejezus out of me.  I mean, there are people out there that actually don't pay taxes and think they can get away with it?  The sheer thought of "skipping a tax year" gives me the shivers.  I couldn't imagine getting a bill from Uncle Sam for a couple million bucks like he did.  Holy crap. I think I'd curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb. From what I can gather though, Mr. Snipes spent about 3 years arguing the point with the feds.  I can think of better ways to plead your case, kind sir.  I kind equate this to catching my 4 year old son with his hand in the cookie jar and him blaming me for making the cookies.  It don't add up.

Looks like the vampires finally won....and they work for the government.....

So anyway, my homage to one of the great African American martial arts heroes will have to stop short of 2010 when 'ol boy went to jail and now eats burritos for dinner on a regular basis. 


....maybe we'll get another Blade movie out of this.

Watch Your Wipes! (from the original Life's Little Lesson's Blog)

Here's another one I migrated from my old blog.  Something to get you by until I find something else funny to say..... 


I think this one is from June of 2007.

I love getting up in the morning and watching CNN.  You catch the most interesting stories, y’know.

…but today’s story scared me.

Paris Hilton in jail again?  No.

Space Shuttle problems?  No.

More problems in the Middle East?  No.

….a lady was arrested for stealing items from her job.

Geez…what do you steal from your office that gets you arrested?  Money?  Important documents?  Furniture?  Some kinda serious offense, doncha think?

Nope.  Toilet paper.

She was hauled to the county jail for swiping toilet paper…..and will potentially get 3 years for it.  No joke.

Now I’m not made of money either.  I have my weeks when I’m counting the moments to payday cause I have to buy some necessities; still, I think this story starts, in my eyes, an ugly precedence.

Don’t think that I haven’t known that I’m low on tp at home and considered it.  I’m a guy…..you think about stuff like that when you’re on the throne at work for an extended period of time (among other things).  Still, common sense kicks in and I leave the office TP alone. 

Now there’s a little more to the story folks.  Here at my office for example, there is a mountain of ass-paper in the supply garage.  If I really wanted to steal some I’d be set for at least a year if I were to seriously consider a major heist.  This lady, on the other hand, was stealing them directly from the stall and hiding them under her shirt.

Now my brain immediately concocted a couple of interesting, and unanswered questions when I heard this:

• Ladies, how do you hide an entire roll of toilet paper under your shirt and expect to get away with it?  I thought there was only enough room for a couple of wads…..
• Can you imagine the poor sap that entered the stall AFTER  her alleged pilfering?  Man, talk about an ugly situation.  What do you do ladies do when this happens, call for help?  Maybe this is why most women go to the restroom in pairs.  You can use the buddy system in case of a TP emergency.
  • Keep in mind, guys don’t have this luxury – hence the skid marks.

The news story even went as far as to interview some of her co-workers.  Evidently there was some concern already about there being an excessive use of toilet paper.

Huh???

Folks actually keep tabs on stuff like that?  Whodathunk it?  Sheryl Crow’s “one sheet per visit” suggestion was right.  Guess I gotta start cutting down; but I have a problem with this too. 

As a male, I only recently discovered the direct correlation between a few extra wipes and the life-expectancy of your underwear.  You ladies with boyfriends and hubbies can share this with your men if you haven’t already done so.  If you take a man-poop, then it takes a lot more than a couple of sheets (and swipes) to get things clean down there. 

….but I digress…..

Then again, maybe this was one of those rare women that suffered from man-poops.  A good man-poop will make you hold on to the railing in the stall and will use up almost an entire roll to get things back to normal.  Maybe this was the cause of her excessive toilet-paper budget….hence causing her to take drastic measures….I mean, she was a rather large woman.

….but this is just a theory.

Anyway folks; watch your TP usage at work, and for heaven’s sake, don’t take the entire roll home.