My Apology to Canada

I have friends that live in Canada. I'd like to take this time to apologize to them, and to the rest of the country. We didn't mean to send you Randy Quaid.

Seriously folks, I haven't seen this man act so bat s*it crazy since the movie Independence Day. Now if you haven't heard, Mr Quaid fears for his life in the US, primarily because he doesn't like to pay his bills and he likes to move into houses he doesn't own. Evidently we Americans now frown on this sort of behavior and he no longer feels welcome here.

Take off, eh? 

Yeah, really.

Y'know the really crazy part is that his wife is along for the ride. She also believes that they are at the center of some grand conspiracy to make them pay for stuff and stay out of other folks homes. That's what I call a dedicated spouse. Any woman that will "catch a case of stupid" right beside you is a keeper.

What I think is funny is the fact that in a world where you have Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson going off the deep end on a regular basis, poor Randy's behavior flies largely under the radar. I think he's sort of the DMX of Hollywood now. Does anyone remember when DMX wasn't in jail? I don't. I don't think he does either....

So Canada, we're sorry. Feel free to send Randy Quaid back. I'm hoping that we can petition brother Dennis to pay for his stuff. If not, I can always make a call to the Nicholas Cage school of money management.

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My your face smells springtime fresh!

Face scrub strategically placed by my wife's feminine wash + showering before the coffee kicks in = something I'd rather not talk about.

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Quote from a conversation this morning

True story:

You don't know the importance of keeping disposable napkins in your vehicle until one of your kids sneezes and you have nothing to wipe it with but your own hand.  Sometimes the places "daddy logic" takes you in the heat of the moment is downright scary.

ewww...

Dear birds which live in the tree above my driveway and poop on my car all night. You have not made a friend.

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As Seen on TV

Saw this at the store today. This would scare the crap out of my kids. Heck, it scares the crap out of me. Sorry, but I don't want some one eyed monster with teeth turned loose in my room. I don't care how fuzzy he is....

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What's For Lunch?

This is a consistent source of humor for me and the wife. Fortunately, the sheer name of the stuff overrides my curiosity about the taste.

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English 101 (from the original Life's Little Lessons Blog)

This was one of the more popular posts on my old blog.  I decided it was worth re-posting cause I still constantly joke about this subject.  Enjoy!

I like to write, and I’m a fan of reading. 

Unfortunately, I feel like I’m in a world where the printed word is becoming extinct. 

I take it back, a world where “properly printed word” is becoming extinct.  This is especially true for the English language.

Allow me to give you a little background on why I feel this way.  My paternal family is composed mainly of educators:

• Grandma was a high school principal.
• Oldest aunt is an English teacher.
• Oldest uncle is a college professor at Syracuse University.
• Grandma’s sisters were teachers.
• Dad earned 2 degrees.

I’m like the redheaded stepchild cause getting me to finish school was like pulling teeth.  Being the redheaded stepchild in a black family is a bad thing……

But I like to laugh at myself.

Anyway, one thing that I did grow up with is a love of the spoken and printed word.  I’ve always loved reading and I’ve always loved writing, be it in printed or typed form. 

This has unfortunately also created a severe abhorrence to PEOPLE WHO CAN’T WRITE.  Now, I’m not perfect folks, I make mistakes too, but there are certain basic rules that evidently are not taught in today’s schools.  This troubles me greatly because I see it more and more on in the workplace and in secondary school environments.

I was laughing at myself the other day cause my cell phone bill is so high…..why?  I’m a texting junkie.  I love this new-fangled technology; but I refuse to use all of the text jargon that comes with it.  It belittles the English language.  hence, when I text someone, it's usually pretty long.

Now don’t get me wrong folks, I like to use slang too….but I there’s a time and a place for it.  I’ve noticed that I’m getting less and less tolerant of common unchecked mistakes as I get older.  On any given day I’ll nominate myself as “the grammatical and punctuation police” and go on a tear about it.

For you folks that need a quick tutorial….here’s a list of my major gripes:

• Learn the difference between your and you’re; their, they’re and there; and its and it’s.  If you don’t know these rules, please look them up.  If there’s one thing that gets on my nerves, its someone that says “YOUR WELCOME”.  Did you know it’s a shortened version of “you are welcome”?  If you didn’t know this then go back to high school. 
• If there’s one thing that gets on my nerves almost as much as the first bullet it's when someone doesn’t know how to end a sentence and they let it just run on and on without any type of punctuation or break because it means that they’re (note the use of the word) not taking their time and they just want to complete their thought in one sentence.  Whew!!
• Over punctuating does not make you look smarter.  I see someone try to slip in an “apostrophe s” at least once per week.  Don’t know what an “apostrophe s” is?  Go back to school.  My boss does this all the time.  I nail him about it mercilessly.  It’ll probably get me fired one day.
• If you don’t know the meaning of a word, look it up before you use it.  Why is this so difficult?
• Just because you have spell-check on your (note my use of the word) word processing program, you are not excused from not knowing how to spell.  Look it in up in the dictionary.  Remember those?  It’s that big book that folks used to use to look up spellings and definitions.  They went out of style in 1989 and are now difficult to find.
• Just because I know what TY, UR and LOL stand for, it does not mean you’re (note my use of the word) going to get me to use them consistently.  This is especially true if I’m sending you a formal e-mail. 
• Don’t change the “person” in mid-thought.  If you’re going to start with “I or me” then you have to do the entire thing that way.  Changing from first person to 3^rd person (and vice versa) is like a big fashion “faux pas” in the literary world.  My English teacher would hurl rocks at you for this.  Hard.
• If you’re going to use slang then be blatant about it.  Otherwise I’ll make fun of you.

Okay, I quit.  It just occurred to me that I could be here all afternoon griping about the deterioration of the English language; and I don’t have time to list all of the maladies that plague today’s young adults when it comes to writing skills.

This is meant to be funny; but take pride in the way you write.  If we don’t; then the generations that come behind us will get worse and worse.  Pick up a pen….keep a journal.  Learn to love writing again….and for heaven’s sake, learn to do it right.  Your kids (and other folks’ kids) will thank you.

Watch Your Step!

Those of you that know me know that I teach martial arts part time. 

In martial arts, you learn how to execute a proper stance and how to move across a room in a balanced, efficient manner. 

This is self defense.....self defense against all the crap your kids leave on the floor.

See, I am in mid-swing with the "mother's curse", and yes, my children are as messy as I was at that age.  Sometimes, it's so bad that you do, in fact, have to watch where you step.  This morning, for example, I stubbed my toe on a purple dumbell left in the hallway. 

"sigh"....my mother's curse.

Really?  A dumbell in the hallway?  That's what I need at 6 am.  A sore toe, spilled coffee and a lot of cursing.  If you're a parent, you know what I mean.  Kids leave things.  It doesn't matter where, cause they've found something more interesting to mess with.  The other day I asked my daughter to clean her room.  An hour later I found clothes "put away" on top of her TV.  I guess that makes sense when you're 7.  My son, who is 4, is presently going through a "scared of his closet" phase.  I honestly think this is mainly because of all of the stuff he's piled into it when I ask him to put his toys away.  Even I'm scared to open it. The last time I tried it growled at me.

This whole "watch where you step" thing is compounded by the fact that we also have 4 pets.

Okay, I know what you're thinking....there's is not a "poo poo" issue in this house. 

....but, two of the pets are cats.  Cats get underfoot....especially at 2 am when you're going to the bathroom with the lights off.  I once said in my other blog that it's sport to them....trying to make you trip and break your neck.  Ever hear a cat laugh?

The other two are dogs.  These dogs are new additions to our blended family.  Granted, they fit right in (and they're worthy of their own blog entry one day); but as inside-outside dogs, they also tend to leave a trail......One of them, aptly named Squeaky, will drink water and proceed to leave an entire river of drool behind him when he happily trots away from the dish.  This river is through my wooden-floored living room.

My living room after one of the dogs drinks water.....It's about 10' deep.

Damnit.

Twice I've walked into the front of the house, seen the flood and gone back for my bathing suit to wade through the aftermath.

So, getting back to my original point (like I really had on here); take martial arts....not just for self defense, but to preserve your toes (and your sanity) when you walk through your own home.  It'll also help you keep a cool head when you find a bag of McDonald's french fries that have been in one of your kids' closets for 8 months.

Little known fact: the recent hoopla over the year old happy meal was not an experiment - that lady found it in her kid's room.

'Scuse me while I go navigate through my house......





 

Keep It In Your Pants!

I am a happily married man.

Correction, I am a happily married man with a healthy fear of his wife.

You see, as I slowly approach the age of 40, it has occurred to me that we guys not only become more capable of devoting ourselves to one woman; we also get too stupid and too lazy to cheat.


Besides, all guys are inherently technologically challenged.  In the advanced information age in which we now live; logistically speaking, cheating (or doing something that even comes close) is an extraordinarily bad idea.  Take "sexting" for example.  Seriously?  Sexting?  I still remember the "old days" when getting caught meant lipstick on the lapel or a phone number left in the pocket. 

Nowadays, Brett Favre is getting caught sending pics of his member to women.  C'mon dude.....really?  That's kinda gross....and we live in a world where people keep stuff to use at the worst possible time.  And don't you have grand kids?  I would have loved to have been in the Favre house for that discussion.....Hell, I'm not even a football fan (sorry, I wasn't born with the gene) and even I've been watching the Vikings play just to see what happens next. Someone needs to teach grandadad how to erase the penis pics from his phone.  ...and not send them out either, for that matter. 

Seriously Brett, even Larry Pratt thinks you took the "pants on the ground" thing too far....

...and like I said, I love my wife, and I'm too old and lazy anyway.  Logically speaking (like a guy, that is), the sheer cost of messing up my marriage is enough alone to keep me home. I guess all these other guys (Jesse James, Tiger Woods, etc..) can afford it.



Sepeaking of Jesse James, I wonder how many times he's heard "dude, it was Sandra Bullock....are you out of your mind?!"  Most guys see Jesse James messing that one up as pretty much equal to getting kicked in the nuts.

I figured one more time wouldn't hurt.

How many now?  I lost count at 20....maybe I should sign up and sue too...

Tiger?  Okay, you can't be THAT famous, married, and still be slinging it all over the place.  Somebody's gonna squeal about it.  Actually, about 9 of them will squeal.....maybe it was 12?  I can't keep up.


...anyway fellas, keep in in your pants.  Don't take pics of it either.  Pass on the advances, no matter how tempting.....and take your butts home to your wives at the end of the day.  If you're looking for adventure then go climb a mountain.

Alcohol....Thy Name is Fresh Breath

So I'm home doing the off-day house cleaning and I catch a commercial about the new type of "alcohol-free" Listerine. 

who needs high-dollar liquor when you have this?!

...okay, where's the fun in that? 

Not as intense, they advertise.  I didn't realize that folks that actually DRANK Listerine were that opposed to the after-effects.  Evidently, I've been missing something.

'Scuse me while I return my beer to the store and bone up on dental hygiene......
 

Hello!

This blog is actually the re-invention of an old blog that I once carried on Delphi Forums.  As Delphi charges for full service, and I'm becoming a cheapskate in my old age, I've made the decision to move it over here.  This way I can also use my Droid to create entries, and be all nerdy when the whim hits me. 

I'll probably import some of the better stories over here directly; but if you're interested in the original (which was often the highlight of my single days), the website is http://blogs.delphiforums.com/n/blogs/blog.aspx?webtag=aintkarmacool.


Recently, a friend of mine asked me to make with the stories again.......who am I to ignore my fans?  Enjoy!