Watch Your Wipes! (from the original Life's Little Lesson's Blog)

Here's another one I migrated from my old blog.  Something to get you by until I find something else funny to say..... 


I think this one is from June of 2007.

I love getting up in the morning and watching CNN.  You catch the most interesting stories, y’know.

…but today’s story scared me.

Paris Hilton in jail again?  No.

Space Shuttle problems?  No.

More problems in the Middle East?  No.

….a lady was arrested for stealing items from her job.

Geez…what do you steal from your office that gets you arrested?  Money?  Important documents?  Furniture?  Some kinda serious offense, doncha think?

Nope.  Toilet paper.

She was hauled to the county jail for swiping toilet paper…..and will potentially get 3 years for it.  No joke.

Now I’m not made of money either.  I have my weeks when I’m counting the moments to payday cause I have to buy some necessities; still, I think this story starts, in my eyes, an ugly precedence.

Don’t think that I haven’t known that I’m low on tp at home and considered it.  I’m a guy…..you think about stuff like that when you’re on the throne at work for an extended period of time (among other things).  Still, common sense kicks in and I leave the office TP alone. 

Now there’s a little more to the story folks.  Here at my office for example, there is a mountain of ass-paper in the supply garage.  If I really wanted to steal some I’d be set for at least a year if I were to seriously consider a major heist.  This lady, on the other hand, was stealing them directly from the stall and hiding them under her shirt.

Now my brain immediately concocted a couple of interesting, and unanswered questions when I heard this:

• Ladies, how do you hide an entire roll of toilet paper under your shirt and expect to get away with it?  I thought there was only enough room for a couple of wads…..
• Can you imagine the poor sap that entered the stall AFTER  her alleged pilfering?  Man, talk about an ugly situation.  What do you do ladies do when this happens, call for help?  Maybe this is why most women go to the restroom in pairs.  You can use the buddy system in case of a TP emergency.
  • Keep in mind, guys don’t have this luxury – hence the skid marks.

The news story even went as far as to interview some of her co-workers.  Evidently there was some concern already about there being an excessive use of toilet paper.

Huh???

Folks actually keep tabs on stuff like that?  Whodathunk it?  Sheryl Crow’s “one sheet per visit” suggestion was right.  Guess I gotta start cutting down; but I have a problem with this too. 

As a male, I only recently discovered the direct correlation between a few extra wipes and the life-expectancy of your underwear.  You ladies with boyfriends and hubbies can share this with your men if you haven’t already done so.  If you take a man-poop, then it takes a lot more than a couple of sheets (and swipes) to get things clean down there. 

….but I digress…..

Then again, maybe this was one of those rare women that suffered from man-poops.  A good man-poop will make you hold on to the railing in the stall and will use up almost an entire roll to get things back to normal.  Maybe this was the cause of her excessive toilet-paper budget….hence causing her to take drastic measures….I mean, she was a rather large woman.

….but this is just a theory.

Anyway folks; watch your TP usage at work, and for heaven’s sake, don’t take the entire roll home.