From the Archives of the Original: "Beware of One Uppers"

I was reading this on my original site this morning and it made me laugh again.  Figured it was worthy of reproduction.  I did this one on 4/11/2007. Enjoy!!

Because I work in an office with all guys, I get a good cross section of male personalities.  Some of them are actually a lot of fun, others are irritating as hell.

 I’m complaining about the more irritating ones today.  One type in particular.  You’ve probably seen him before, because he exists in more than one circle of friends.  He’s the “one-upper”.

 One uppers know everything about everything and always have a story that tops yours….no matter what you’re talking about.  This is of particular irritation to me because I constantly remind myself that I know jack s*it about jack s*it.  That revelation is now the source of much personal humor.  If I don’t know anything about a subject, I’ll listen to you.

…that is, if you were invited into the conversation to begin with.

 My parents taught me a lot of person-to-person etiquette as a kid.  One rule was not to butt into someone else’s conversation if you’re not invited.  That’s seen as rude.  One-uppers don’t believe in doing this.  They figure everyone wants to hear about their latest exploits.  Ever been to the moon?  Even if you haven’t, let a one-upper hear you talk about it.  You can bet he (or she) turned down a job offer as an astronaut within the past 5 years.  You’ll hear all about it.

 One-uppers also tell unfunny jokes and laugh at them…even when no one else does.  My dad used to have a saying about this.  "If you tell a joke and no one laughs, then the joke wasn’t funny."  This sounds like simple advice; but it’s difficult for one-uppers to follow.  They like to spread their unfunny jokes.  

 There’s something else my parents taught me as a child.  It was to always be sure to look someone in the eye when you’re speaking with them.  If you know me then you know that my body language is pretty easy to read.  If you’re in the middle of saying something and I abruptly break eye contact then I’ve abruptly dismissed you.  Either you no longer interest me, or you have managed to say something so irrelevant to the conversation that I don’t deem you worthy of speaking to me anymore.  Sorry.

 It’s funny to watch one-uppers get ousted from a conversation too.  I’ve seen entire groups turn their backs on them (literally).  They continue to talk, completely oblivious to the silent vote that ‘no one wants to hear about that time you raced a Lamborghini in your Geo Metro and won’.  

 Conversation is a give and take, y’know.  In a social setting you take turns sharing stories, experiences and inexperiences.  You have a few laughs along the way.  Like I said, I don’t know everything about everything, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to hear your take on it if I wasn't talking to you to begin with.  If you’re such a cornucopia of knowledge, then how come you work at the grocery store and live at home with mom and dad?  Leave me alone.

 Beware of one-uppers.  They suck the life out of the conversation.  You will be left dazed, wondering what you were talking about to begin with and full of bad jokes.  Ugh.